These days I feel like every day I wake up in a fog, fighting to see a reason I should get out of bed. Most days my reason wins out, and I get up to face the day. Occasionally, there are days that I'm not as strong as I wish I was, and I hide underneath the covers wishing that some state of unconsciousness would overtake me. The worst days though, are those in which I'm moving and breathing; speaking and laughing; sharing and loving; without meaning any of it. The days I had enough grace to put on my plastic smile and say the things Jesus would've said to people who wouldn't hear it any other way even if I had the nerve to tell them plainly.

I've always had a mask though, I think and now that I'm being honest with myself, I'm finding within my heads, thoughts that I hate to admit are there, but are nonetheless.

Worst of all, even in my lostness, I'm not really sure I want to be found right now. I don't think I could take another day of plastic smiles and the right word for the right situation. That would kill me right now, cause it wouldn't be real. I think I need to wander for a while, and as painful as it is for someone who has always been tied to some group or organization greater than himself, there is a sad peace in knowing that while I may be alone at least it will all be real.

So I guess in the end, right now I'd rather be lost in a dark forest with real haunts and shadows than sitting in a sandbox in front of holograph of the sea, pretending to feel the ocean breeze.

I'm not talking about God really. I know that He is good and all the other things I'm supposed to say about Him. I also honestly believe all that, and that Hope is all I really have. But at the same time I'm tired of pretending I've got it all figured out and am a good kid in sunday school. This is me and this is real.